A daughters missionary passion

Since December of 2010 when my family sadly left deputation, I have clearly struggled badly with it. The calling and passion never left and nothing before nor since those years of preaching, teaching and investing in the souls of men to the glory of Jesus Christ have brought any inkling of satisfaction to what I had the privilege to be a part of. Yet that is not the topic of my musing. I have not really put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) for some time as it pertains to blogging, writing, musing or whatever you might classify this. But as one of my favorite prophets said (Jeremiah 20:9 Then I said, I will not make mention of him, nor speak any more in his name. But his word was in mine heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was weary with forbearing, and I could not stay.) Writing provides but the smallest of outlets for my thoughts and passion. And so I am starting to write again.

Apparently, I am not alone... My oldest daughter, who just turned 11 is doing some writing of her own. She has fond memories of deputation, ministry, tracting, street work and meetings when she would sing solo or with her sisters at churches, etc. Yet beyond just memories of a time where there was much travel, activities, friends to meet and excitement, my daughter was saved while we were at a missions conference in Houston, Texas a few years ago and she has had a burden for souls and service since. She has written convicting notes to me of how much she misses it and how much she still wants to be a missionary. Then when we talked about how people make new year resolutions etc - she came up with a list of things she would like to do this calendar year. Unlike most children, her list didn't include her favorite sports, parks, games and the like but rather how she will read her Bible through, pass tracts, memorize, sing specials at church again and other ministry related pursuits. What a blessing! Her enthusiasm has been a catalyst for me personally as I have spent so much time discouraged about what was, what we aimed for, could have been and where i am now. While she has been disappointed as well, she has been more of an example of Paul to me than I have to her... Forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward unto those things which are before... She has challenged me to press on, in whatever capacity I can with Christ's direction and empowerment. Here is part of a letter that she set next to my computer the other night as she was heading to bed.

"People in many other countries are starving, without stable governments, without shelter, without a lot of clothing, without education and most of all, without the gospel. I am just very, very sad that I am not able to give them the gospel. I am also very sad that they are going to hell because people don't want to tell them about Jesus, I would if I could." On the outside of the note it said "my journal entry on why I am glad to be an American but sad that we are not going to be missionaries."

We had a talk about this after and I encouraged her that she has incredible potential for Christ and that she is not too young to be praying for God's wisdom and guidance about what He would have her do in the future. She has the heart for missions as i do and so my commitment to her was that the days of looking back are done and it is time to prepare our hearts and do whatever God will allow us in our current situation and see what He does from there.

Grace

2Co 12:7b-10
(7) ...there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.
(8) For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
(9) And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
(10) Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

I picked up a book today that I told myself a year and a half ago when given to me that I likely would never touch. The reason...I never, in my pride felt I would ever find myself in a place where I could somehow relate to this particular situation. Over the past year I certainly have eaten a lot of proverbial crow regarding where I never thought I could end up...

As many testimonies of this sort go, one minute, on top of the world - in God's will, zealous, purposed, focused, (as Christ said "if thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light") - the next minute, in a prison of despair. For a year now, the bars have grown thicker, the walls have crept closer, the floor has gotten harder, the air has gotten colder, the darkness has become measurable by thickness as much as by lack of light, gasping, suffocating, the glimmer of hope eradicated over and over.

Many years ago, a preacher screamed a message through the tape deck of my car radio that made me shutter - it was called the cries that nobody heard - suffocation, drowning and isolation are three of the cries that surely are uttered but are never heard. The author of this book had in one day, his family, his ministry, his freedom, his reputation and his hopes and aspirations dashed. Yet he spends but a few moments in the preface of his book dealing with the imprisonment, the despair and the frustration that he faced - moments that literally reflect years of unexpected, unprecedented pain and challenge. He then knelt and acknowledged that anger and frustration that He'd had toward God for allowing him to be put there. He stated that the years of being angry have not helped him one bit.............................

and that he needed grace...and he received grace

I wonder...

I doubt this was his first prayer on the topic

I doubt this was the first time he got on his knees

A man that God had used in many ways since he was a boy - as a witness, as a preacher, as a teacher, as a musician, in mission endeavors, in writing, in manual labor, in service, in giving, in so many ways - this man had been on his knees during this stretch of literal years...

Yet why this moment, why this prayer, why this time did the grace come...

That is my question

When the prayers go up and bounce, when the tears are shed, the pain is real, the loss seems too overwhelming to overcome - when hope and purpose seem only distant memories...what finally brings that embrace of GRACE?

That heartwarming, encouraging overwhelming touch to the heart and soul that allow you to open your eyes, dry the tears, raise to your feet, and take just one more step - one more step that only moments before was impossible were it not for GRACE

To have the release and relief to lift your hands and say "bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me bless His holy name" - to be transported from under the very hooves of a stampede of horses to the throne room of the almighty...

To sit a the end of the water line when only one canteen is given to a dozen men after a hard, hot day - to anticipate, desire and thirst for even the smallest amount of refreshment...how it is yearned for time and again, and yet often you are left with the bone dry canteen - silently crying through the parched, faint throat - is there none left for me, is there but one drop of grace for me...

Is there one drop of grace for me

Bobby Bonner

I just spent the last couple hours reading From the Diamond to the Bush by Missionary to Zambia Africa - Bobby Bonner. Any Reading of mission biography has always had a profound impact on me. Perhaps now for a myriad of different reasons. There is the emotional highs and lows as I fight the temptation to sulk and sink into the despair that has often overwhelmed me the past 2+ years of not being in the lineup but on some remote back room dirty unlit shelf feeling very unlikely to ever be dusted off, valued in some capacity and returned to the front lines. On the other hand I feel the immense excitement to read the testimonies and accounts of God moving in the uttermost parts of the earth - in ways I once saw first hand - including in Zambia where I had the privilege of ministering with Bobby for a couple weeks back in '05. It has been a while since I have read such a book. Many things struck me that I pray God will not soon let me forget or lose focus on. The very first page of the book almost made me stop reading - it was a praise to God for not putting him on a shelf. I am glad I did not stop reading. Thank The Lord for those He sees fit to use in various capacities. God alone is wise enough to know the why, how, who, where etc...and even the why nots.